To make egg sandwiches 🥪

Men spread their legs when sitting.
This puts them in a vulnerable position. 

 In one of the previous posts, I already talked about the phenomenon of how men tend to sit in a relaxed position with their legs spread at a wide angle. The reason for this is anatomical as well as sociological and psychological. Today I want to look at this issue from the important self defense perspective. As I mentioned several times, Linda went far in the idea that we learn to react effectively in all possible circumstances with all available tools. One such, often-neglected scenario is when the attacker is sitting or in a reclined position. This can for instance happen during a date rape attempt, office harassment, in the car when encountering the wrong guy during hitchhiking, or when enjoying the sun in the park on a bench and some pest starts bothering you. Luckily, Linda provided valuable tips and tricks for these situations and highlighted the most applicable techniques. Of course, our two darling attackers Bob and Peter did not dodge their duty and were heavily involved in the related educational and training process. We learned that it does not take much to turn the tables and to use male anatomy and macho behavior to our advantage, the lesson, our two guys learned is to never blatantly spread legs or… 😊

Linda explained to us: “You probably noticed when a man rests on a seat, he often assumes a typical male pose, legs spread to give his testicles some ease and air to breathe but at the same time it puts him into a vulnerable position as it also creates a convenient opening for certain types of strikes. However, some staple techniques such as kicking and kneeing are not generally applicable, grabbing is, but getting a good lock on a partially seat-shielded scrotum can be tricky, as opposed to a freely hanging sack. Punching with the fist ultimately appears to be the best option but it must be done properly to get the best result. For instance, a hammer fist is not something I recommend, let me show you why.” She took a small apple from her bag, possibly the latest harvest from her orchard, and put it on the wooden bench. “Look, in a classical hammer fist strike, if I hit this apple like this, despite quite good momentum, my hand bounces up and the power dissipates because of the low hardiness of the striking surface, the bottom of the fist. It surely hurts…. but rather my hand.” She demonstratively smashed the apple like a mallet with quite some force, yet causing only mild distortion of the fruit.

Forming the N sign with your fist
creates a deadly striking weapon.  

“Now to do significant damage, you should fold your hand like the letter N in sign language”,  of course, we stared at her confused so she immediately explained “Like this”, she swung her arm up for us to see. “Put the thumb below the pointer and middle finger, which you bent so their knuckles protrude sharply outward in a V shape. See how the thumb firmly fixes the bent fingers. This is a great striking piece for any soft targets including testicles.” She turned her deadly weapon towards us and tapped the sharp double bump with the other hand’s fingers to make the point. Then she swung her arm up and impacted the same apple from above, using those two knuckles as a spear. A horrible crushing sound followed, the apple got almost completely split and the pieces of apple splashed all around. “Target destroyed!” commented Linda her success with obvious satisfaction, as she wiped off the apple remnants from her fingers.  

The sandwich maker gave the name to a
brutal technique of female last resort self defense 

“When striking testicles, ideally each knuckle is intended for one of his testicles. In many cases, this is not possible, especially because of the shielding by the penis, but you can do a number just on one testicle as well, especially if you manage to follow the right angle. What helped me crush this apple was the hard bottom support of the wooden bench. When a man sits, consider the relaxed freely hanging testicles resting on the seat surface. In this case, the best if the strike comes from above or at least at a 45° angle to sandwich the organs between the seat and your fist. That’s why I call this method a sandwich maker because it reminds me of how I prepare my favorite sandwiches with poached eggs. It is like clapping the hot top metal plate of the appliance and sandwiching the delicate juicy eggs between the two toast bread slices. They stay compressed and sealed between the toasts …an excellent quick lunch, or when traveling… highly recommend…. yummy.”  After this quick culinary tip, she went back to the main topic of the session. “So visualize you are making a sandwich with his ‘not-so-hard eggs’ as a filling between your fist and the seat.”  As always, as oddly as they sounded, these ‘fruity and eggy’ approximations actually helped. At that quick instance, we all imagined making a ‘testicle sandwich’, and such weird surreal thinking drew grins on our faces.

Visualize preparing a sandwich from poached eggs.  

Linda continued “This method works perfectly on low-hanging scrota, if he has already removed his pants and underwear, and you can visually locate the target. Even if not, you can perform the move anyway. In this case, however, the strike must come in a horizontal line, imagine your fist is like a piston and the arm is a drive rod, the hard backing is his pelvis bone.”  She made us make a few rounds with our arms like an old-type locomotive. “You often cannot see the target because you are positioned sideways or because of his clothing. It does not matter, you can effectively use the contour of his leg to guide your fist toward the opening between his penis and inner thigh, directly into the goolie, left or right, depending on your position. As the piston of an engine…hit continuously as many times as possible in quick succession.” added our self defense guru.

Linda suddenly turned her head towards the opposite corner of the dojo, where our two darling attackers were innocently relaxing on a bench. In the beginning likely just checking the latest results of sports competitions or playing games on their smartphones but Linda’s loud apple-crushing routine grabbed their attention and now they both looked quite concerned. Linda turned back to us. “You see, both are in their typical comfortable position with their legs open, excellent, it calls for some real demonstration!”  We followed Linda and surrounded the guys in a semicircle, in anticipation of another interesting presentation.

The sandwich-making technique.
Compress the testicles between the knuckles of the pointer
and the middle finger and the hard backing of the seat. 

Linda sat next to Bob and gently put her hand on his shoulder. This was maybe to ease the anxiety, which was obviously not ungrounded.  She looked into his eyes. “I must show the girls something and need you to ‘go like Adam’.” Knowingly he couldn't get away from her demands he followed the code and shyly pulled his gym shorts and briefs down and sat again but this time he somewhat instinctively closed the gap between his legs and got into a more decent pose. To Linda’s dissatisfaction. “Sit like before”, she requested resolutely and once he, still a bit reluctantly did, she started the detailed explanation. Some of the girls came closer so they better see between his legs, they knew it was the place where the show takes place.

“Ladies, look at his testicles resting on the seat surface protected by his flaccid penis laying on them.” She used her finger to point at the area of interest where the two hairy orbs met the wood of the bench. “If my fist comes from above, I can easily forcefully compress them, and they have no room to escape.” She formed an N sign fist, pushed the soft penis to the side, and gently pressed the full sack, each knuckle one testicle till they bulged under the pressure, like two balloons before bursting. Luckily she did the demonstrative move only for short and without passing the danger threshold, just for us to see the mechanism and the effect.  Still, we sighted it as it looked malicious and painful. The brave young man yelped loudly and was now breathing heavily. However, it was not the end.  Linda continued “Now in a horizontal type of strike, I use his inner thigh surface as a guidance and his pelvic bone as the hard backing.” Her arm shifted the angle and performed the sandwich-making technique in that direction. She did not need to push the penis aside, the convenient crevice was there, just his right testicle was unlucky this time. Once she released the push, I noticed the fear-shriveled scrotum turned a bit reddish as well as Bob’s face. “In real life, use the greatest momentum of your arm to gain the full force and speed for explosive punching. Then a testicular rupture is ensured.” She patted him on the head as a sign of appreciation for his help. The visible sign of relief on Bob’s face was telling.  He deserved a break so she turned to Peter waiting disquietly. Luckily for him, this time she did not ask for genital exposition, as she sought we see the action in such a situation.

Play along approach can be the best strategy
for executing the right techniques
including the sandwich maker.

“Let's play out a common scenario. Peter is going to be a young over-amorous guy who sat next to me on a park bench and starts to misbehave, being rude and touching my boobs, without permission. He looked at Peter, which meant ‘Action!’ He very shyly wrapped his right arm around Linda’s back, so his hand reached Linda’s right boob. This would normally mean came his lucky day, but he knew, that luck wouldn't last long. For an overconfident horny attacker, his face looked too nervous. Linda shook her head “What a shy bogus attacker, please give it more passion!” Peter gathered all his courage and grabbed the big boob like a real man, even smirking a bit to display his gained confidence and bravery. Linda smiled back. “That’s better!”

Linda communicated her plan “To get rid of him, I apply a play-along approach. I return his interest and use my hand to express a sign of sexual favor.” She gently rubbed the young man’s muscular thigh, so passionately I could see his thin black hair stand up. The slight movement in his shorts indicated something else was moving up as well.  “He cannot see or guess my intentions. When my hand is in the right position I use the moment of his excitement that it goes his way, I quickly rotate and arch my arm, make an N sign fist, accelerate it along the thigh… and bang! and bang! again!” She did that and immediately commented on the expected outcomes. “The sharp blows stunt him, he crosses his legs to protect his testicles against further blows and puts his hands over his crotch. However,  this exposes his upper body.  I use my other hand to grab his hair and jerk his head sharply backward.” Gosh, she was rough, poor boy might lost a few hairs. She continued  “I just keep my right fist in the N sign, go up with my arm, and smash his exposed Adam's apple… and another one just for good measure,  and finally I finish with a sharp strike to his temple before I safely leave the wrecked thug and the scene.”

The whole sequence was quick, and although she softened the strikes, barely touching the male sensitive spots, poor Peter experienced quite some discomfort, his muscular body stayed folded, legs crossed, weakly whining. Well, as one could expect, grabbing Linda’s boob won't be without consequences 😉.  She ruffled his pulled aching hair and whispered in his ear “Thanks for the assistance.” The whole thing looked so wild, dangerous, and brutal, that we again sighted in awe.  After a quick moment of silence Laura excitedly asked “May we also try?” Susanne stepped in “But not before we check if they both are OK”.  “And after we eat the juicy testicle sandwiches!” added humorously Ana.  We all burst into laughter…