To have plum fun 🟣🟣

The summer slowly comes to an end. The coming weeks are the peak season for autumn fruits; getting ripe and sweetened under the sun and their overabundance beyond our immediate consumption ability urges us to preserve them by canning, freezing, drying, or preparing a delicious thick jam, to be enjoyed during long cold winter.

Last week on Saturday, Tom went to see a football match with his pals and I decided to have a short nap after light lunch. Before I could close my eyes, suddenly the doorbell rang. Hmm, I was not expecting any visitors…. I rushed to open the door.

Plums are a precious gift of nature

“Surprise, surprise, Wendy! We brought you something yummy!” It was my beloved bubbly aunt Katrin with my cousin Brenda. In front of them 3 big crates full of nice purple plums. Together with my uncle Albert, they own an orchard in a very fertile and sunny countryside, including a couple of plum trees. Almost every year they enjoy a great harvest and in the past even distilled a strong aromatic plum spirit. Not anymore, they do not have time and energy anymore and rather avoid alcohol due to some health issues.

“We just thought you and Tom need some vitamins—pure organic goodies, not like those imported and sold in a store chain. You never know what they spray them with… Albert was so nice, he picked for you just the best ones from the uppermost branches, he almost fell from the ladder!”

I shook my head “As always Katrin…enough to feed an elephant!” I hugged and kissed them both and thanked them for this healthy and tasty nature-sourced gift.  While genuinely happy, I also outlooked a hard work shift to process it all, no siesta napping after all. Fortunately, Brenda immediately dispelled my worries.

“Don’t worry, Wendy, I can help you with all that.” She turned to her mother “I can come back later by bus, what do you think?”

Katrin nodded in agreement “Little sweethearts have some fun then. You haven't spent much time together lately, have you?”  She then waved us goodbye and while walking to the car she turned back and added. “Later you will also get some apples, those Jonagold, remember you like them a lot…..”

Brenda helped me to bring the heavy-loaded crates in. The fragrance of fresh fruits immediately filled our apartment. We both knew the drill and immediately rolled up our sleeves. We had to do sorting first; to separate those showing signs of damage, being too soft, or too hard will be left to finish the ripening process. Most will be pitted; depending on the quality, some will go into mason jars, and others will be cooked into jam. Taking each plum into the hand, felling it, opening it to remove the pit…  there was something strangely satisfying about those plums. Such beautiful objects!

Plums are an excellent substitute for testicles

Sounds weird, but it brought back some fond memories of the self defense course. Linda always considered plums to be one of the best substitutes for testicles, she often brought in her own and used them intensively for our training. The right size, oval shape, firmness, how they react to squashing between the fingers, and how the fruit stone inside symbolizes the seed of the next generation… funny, those most resembling are grown together as inseparable twins, often one bigger than the other … a pity there is no hair on them…otherwise the word perfect could be used!

That pile of fruity treasure kept us busy, but also it was the best time to finally have a chat with my darling cousin. It might have felt to her like an interrogation but I wanted to get all the news and gossip: about her summer job as a waitress, her new butterfly-shaped tattoo (I actually do not endorse), and of course spicy updates on dating boys. I always considered Brenda to be quite the opposite of me. She is a restless untamed young lady who thinks her world is her oyster. Being her age, I have never changed boyfriends like socks and parties mainly meant weddings and proms. However, I was pleased to learn she is heading to university this September to major in economics. Not a bad choice.

Listening to her I realized, that her lifestyle is full of dangers she may not realize. I am not her mum but I was compelled to step in. Some topics are not as cheerful as others and can be awkward, but necessary to be brought up, especially when talking to young ladies confident their careless behavior does not come with any risks. I too hated to be mentored and preached at her age but now I am slowly realizing from time to time, that I should have taken some good advice from those more life-experienced.

It was nice to have some fun with my cousin Brenda 

“Brenda, you should definitely take care of your safety. Have you for instance considered attending a self defense course? The university offers an excellent one for free. I can only recommend, don’t worry no old ladies type of stuff,  I had a lot of fun and you can learn many things and make some new friends.”  

Brenda was clearly surprised by the unexpected topic I brought up.

“Hmm nope…, why? These courses are just scams and a waste of time. I don’t think I can stand a chance against a man, regardless of what the progressive feminists say.  No secret tricks can help... sorry… you know it's like with bears: run away fast or…pray!“

I could not believe my ears. A young capable and otherwise confident lady talks so self-deprecatingly!

“Brenda, you are wrong, the myth that a woman cannot fight a man is utter bullshit. He might be tall, he might be strong, he might be fit and muscular, he might be doped. But always remember. The chain is as strong as the weakest link. For a man, his testicles and eyes are among the weakest links. Destroy those and you destroy him.” I preached.

She cringed. I know it sounded awkward but I knew it was important so I did not stop. “Let me show you something,” I picked a nice healthy firm plum, “Look at this plum, a testicle is quite similar to it in shape and consistency. Imagine this is a testicle of a pushy man disrespected your no and he already exposed himself to letting you fondle his genitals. Now you can conveniently put it in the palm of your right hand, close your fingers to create a secure grip, and by digging your thumb deep into the center of the fruit, you crush it completely in no time.”

I prefer plum twins for demonstration of self defense techniques. 

I did exactly what I was saying until the fleshy inside oozed out between my fingers leaving only the woody pit and mush smear in my palm. “You just tore the testis's fibrous cover tunica albuginea and the squashy seminiferous tubules got pushed out and are being reduced to a dysfunctional pulp. Luckily the gross mess would be contained in the scrotum,”  I explained the result explicitly in medical terms and then dropped the remaining mush into the pot intended for the jam.  “Basically, you emptied his balls but, differently than he wished for,” I finished with a pun, in maybe too sarcastic tone. 

I continued “Remember, if you could squash this plum, you could do the same to a bad guy testis. Do you think the testicle owner will be ready to bring it on after that? No, most likely he will be on the floor unconscious. As one of the best alternatives. And this is just one of many techniques, you would learn in the course... and you will be allowed to test them in real on some cute fit boys!” I said in a mysterious tone and winked at her.

Brenda looked at me with a mix of disbelief and amusement and seemingly tried to shy away from the cringe-worthy topic. “Hmm nice, but let's rather check our delicious product, should be almost ready, I wager.” She looked into the pot with a slowly simmering, first batch of jam. The jam was not yet thick enough so she let it cook longer.

But I knew I sparked her interest. At first, trying to pretend she was not that interested in my talk and demonstration, she suddenly took a sizable plum and started to inspect it. She handled all kinds of fruits before but probably has never thought about the brutal stuff I just talked about. Then out of the blue, she replicated my act. Despite having smaller hands than me, she was very successful and some pieces of mushed fruit flesh even ended up on the countertop backsplash. I could see a grin on her face “Well, maybe I should have used that on that pig manager who was pestering me in the restaurant.”

She surprised me with her question. “So what else did you learn?”

I was pleased by her interest so I found a nice plum twin from the bowl. “You see, an almost perfectly representative medical-grade testicle model.  Let's just add a scrotum.” I wrapped the twins in the kitchen cloth and fasted it on the door handle – the right height of an average man's groin.

Testicles, just as plums can be
easily crushed in no time

I started a detailed demonstration “You should know that your hand is not that large to contain both male organs, so you have to quickly separate them and isolate one gonad using your thumb and forefinger, put it in the tight lock so it cannot escape, squeeze it forcibly, then twist it all it takes like a rug, and finally jerk hard away from his body to mess with the delicate internal plumbing beyond repair. Alternatively, fix it in place with one hand and hit it with the knuckles of your other hand in a closed fist.  Imagine you want to pulp the ‘fruit’ completely. My following detailed demonstration was even more startling. The poor sadly hanging object became completely distorted and unrecognizable as a model ball sack and light pink juice was dripping from it, which required a quick wiping the floor beneath with a rug.

Brenda exclaimed in awe. “Wendy, you are such a badass! Did you learn this all in that course?”

“I told you it was useful, no bullshit,” I said proudly.

“May I also try?” Brenda asked impatiently.

“Sure, just let me find you a new pair … this one is good for you!” I picked another nice twin in the pile.  

“Exactly like my boyfriend's! Just less wrinkly!” she exclaimed and I could see in her eyes she became very excited to reveal her new superwoman power. With quite some ferociousness and focus, she performed the newly learned move and destroyed the two poor fruits like a pro. I felt pity this was not an official Olympic discipline 😊 at the same time lucky Katrin was not aware of the waste of her precious plums.

Just before I was about to show her how to employ other body parts: knees, heels, insteps, and teeth as deadly testicle destruction weapons I could hear the key turning in the lock and someone entering… Tom was back! Before we could clean the mess and hide our peculiar activity, he entered the kitchen.

“Hi Brenda, how are you, I haven’t seen you for a long time!  Yeah, great! This year’s plum delivery from Katrin and Albert, hope we are having some plum cake today?!” he asked.

 “Look at the little bummer, maybe you should help us first!” I expressed my anger with his audacity and laziness.

Ignoring my comment, he grabbed a plum for a snack and was about to leave us when he noticed the mess around the door handle. “Jeez, what were you two doing here?”

Tom was puzzled by the mess in the kitchen 

Luckily Brenda saved the day. “We were just using plums for testic… testing a new recipe for a purée, it requires pressing it through a cloth, it did not work out that well, though.”  We both giggled. Luckily he got fooled and did not investigate further. Nevertheless, his presence in the house stopped us from this inventive and engaging educational activity. At least, we did not waste any more precious plums and focused again on fruit preservation.

 After all that hard work and cleaning the traces of our testicle-crushing exercise, Brenda and I just dropped on the couch exhausted. We spent the rest of the time chilling and listening to some pop music. When the time came for her to leave for the bus, she took a plum from the nicely arranged bowl on the coffee table, split it with her fingers in half, and ate it with pleasure. “I think you convinced me, Wendy, I will take that course, it seems I will be having some fun…”