To snap an aubergine 🍆

After the coronavirus restrictions got lifted a few weeks ago, I could finally visit my hairdresser. Despite having a time booking, she was so busy with all that ungroomed hair of her customers that I had to wait a half an hour. I noticed a bunch of women’s magazines on the table. I normally do not read those, but I was quite bored, so I skimmed through some of them. One journal had an ‘intimacy’ section with an article titled ‘The five most common injuries during sex and how to prevent them’. Not surprising, one of them was penile fracture. Although the penis does not have a bone, it can get ‘broken’ causing a painful and difficult to heal injury. This can happen when a fully erect penis bends sharply as the result of, for instance, hitting a hard object like the woman’s pelvic floor or falling down during some wild intercourse acrobatics. This article recalled me one of the most memorable self defense classes we had with Linda. As you probably already guessed, causing penile fracture is one of the Linda’s suggested ways how to deal with an attacker with a hard-on. So, I was quite impatient to write a post about this relatively unknown but highly effective last resort self defense technique. This is how I recall that class.

“Girls do you like eggplants asked Linda right away as she entered the room and placed her full backpack on the floor. Well to be honest eggplants are not on the top of the list of my favorite foods. My mother used to roast them and served them as a side dish. But Emma immediately replied, “I often cook ratatouille for my boyfriend when I want to make him some vegan dish for a change. At first, he always complaints a lot but then he eats the whole casserole!”

Eggplants come with different
varieties which can be used  to simulate
either the penis and the testicles

 “Good for you and your boyfriend Emma, eggplants are healthy,” Linda nodded and took out a bag full of something which looked like vegies, but I could not immediately recognize them. I only knew the common eggplants you can buy in a local grocery store which look like a big purple bulb or a giant egg-like structure. Like the typical one we use as an emoji for penis 🍆.  

“These are some uncommon varieties I cultivate specially for my defense classes,” Linda said proudly as she showed us her harvest. “This thin elongated is ‘Long purple’ and this one resembling a small white egg is ‘Clara F1’. Clara F1 fruits I use as a substitute for large testicles and these long ones are great to simulate an erect penis. The last lessons we already discussed attacks on testicles, but as I mentioned earlier, do not forget the penis. When under an advanced sex attack, it is likely you will encounter an attacker with an erection. In this case, his testicles are usually lifted close to his body, making the scrotum less grabbable. Many self defense experts neglect this vital target, which is poor. I believe an erect penis is an easily reachable, fragile and destroyable organ, but as always, a correct technique must be applied. Let us have a chat before I show it to you.

 We sat down around her in an anticipation of another interesting lesson. Linda opened her tablet and showed us a presentation starting with an anatomy picture of the penis. “The penis is made of three cylindrical spongy bodies; the upper two are called corpora cavernosum and the lower one corpus spongiosum also forming the glans of penis. The two pieces of corpora cavernosa are covered by an elastic layer of connective tissue  which has the same name as the one covering the testes—tunica albuginea, ”Linda explained us while pointing on the medical diagram.

Principle of erection is
similar to a water hose connected
to an open tap

 “During a male’s arousal, these sponges are filled with blood and expand but tunica albuginea keeps the pressure inside, so the penis stiffens, enlarges and rises.  It is the same effect as a garden water hose you connected to a water tap. When the tap is open the pressure of water straightens the coiled hose. Penile fracture occurs when this connective tissue ruptures due to an extension passing the breaking point. This causes the leakage of blood and the so-called detumescence, a sudden drop of internal pressure and immediate loss of erection. Intriguingly, it is often associated with a popping sound. The desired effect is he will not be able to continue with his rape attempt.”

After this anatomy lecture Linda continued with the practical part. “There are several ways to cause penile fracture. The first one is to get a firm hold of the penis in your hand like this and forcefully snap it in a downward direction. It must be done with full force, if you are standing you can use your whole weight to gain the desired momentum. Imagine going all the way towards his ass.”

She then demonstrated us the proper execution of this technique.  She asked Ana to be her assistant. Ana held an elongated eggplant in a position of an erect penis. Linda clutched the eggplant with her right hand (A) and forcefully pushed it down (B). The eggplant broke into two pieces with a popping sound.     

“Another possibility is to hold the penis at the base tightly with one hand and then to sharply hit the second half in the direction which is the most available or in which you can exert the most force.  It can be in a sidewise, upward, or downward direction.” She took the second eggplant, grabbed it on one end with her left hand (C) and sharply hit the top part with the palm of her right hand (D). The half of the eggplant got immediately broken off.

Linda did not stop here and continued, “You can use your legs as well. If you are on the ground and he tries to get on top of you, bend your leg as much as possible and kick out that the arc of your feet hooks on the penis.”  She now asked Ana to hold the eggplant in the position of an approaching attacker leaning over Linda on the ground. She charged her leg and forcefully sprang it towards the poor eggplant in Ana’s hand. The half of it flew a few meters away.

This odd activity got noticed by Bob and Peter, who until then were sitting on the bench on the other side of the room playing with their smartphones. Linda called them out.

She placed the broken pieces of eggplants back in her backpack and to our amusement, she took out two dildos with a strap. “Eggplants are a good substitute, but for some real training we need something more realistic, durable and reusable and also we cannot have Peter and Bob to sustain any injury in their ‘joy-making’ organ; their girlfriends would be really angry with us,” Linda explained to her awed audience. Linda brought two sizes; as always she thinks about all the details and the possible variables when providing a male organ analogues. While she was holding the sex toys in front of us, she noticed a pressing question in our faces. “Aaa, I know what you are thinking,” she laughed, “don’t worry I use these only for the course.”

High quality realistic strap on
is handy for proper training of
the penile fracture technique 

 “Look these products are of a high quality, it has the texture and firmness as the real thing, and it even has these two silicone balls attached, so you can train a combination of techniques. I ordered it on Amazon. Luckily, we have a decent budget for this course from our department,” she said half ironically.

Linda asked the boys to undress themselves and to leave just their briefs on. Then she strapped the bigger one on Peter and the smaller one on Bob.

“Should not it be the other way around, you know to keep it true to reality,” commented Emma humorously, referring to already noticed natural differences in their genital size. Laura immediately opposed, “I think  this is the correct way, Peter has a ‘grower’ and Bob a ‘shower’.” Linda’s strict gaze gave a full stop to this pubertal banter and giggling. “Girls, stop it, I think both should be very proud of their real tools,” she said looking at them kindly. It almost sounded she speaks out of her own experience. I haven’t seen her being so affectionate to them before.  She carefully double checked the straps are firmly fastened and that the large silicone projection is in the right place.

“These things are soon going to experience some abuse,” Linda commented her effort. She then stood up and looked at the boys with a great satisfaction. Suddenly, her phone rang, so she left us for a while.

Boys seemed quite empowered and charged with confidence after this upgrade and used the Linda’s short absence to fool around and to chase us. We were screaming in disgust and running away from them as they tried to poke us with their big new enhancements. Only Tania with an ironic grin on her face, she calmly grabbed the Peter’s dildo and snapped it the downward motion, the way Linda just showed us just minutes ago and yelled at him “Penile fracture! You lost!”

Linda appeared back. “I see you have some fun. Let’s see how you can handle some simulated rape attempts.” She gave us instructions what should we do next. We were about to play out different sex attack scenarios during which we girls had to apply the penile fracture technique to put to an end the vicious sex attacks of our two horny model attackers.

I was quite excited, when it was my turn and I got Bob. I was lying on a mat pretending to sleep. He got on top of me attempting to get into the missionary position. When he was pretending that he is busy removing my top, I moved my hand in the right position between me and him and in a blink of a moment I snapped his artificial penis ‘all the way to his ass’. I did it with such a rigor that I accidentally hit his real testicles with my fist. He cried out in pain. However, I did not realize that. At first, I thought that he just puts on a show to add to the realism of the scene. I tossed him to the side, and I reversed our positions. By sitting on his thighs, I fixed his lower body, and I extended my legs and pushed them on his chest to immobilize his upper torso.  I grabbed the towering dildo with one hand and a silicone testicle by another. “Let’s see if you can handle this you filthy little would-be rapist. It hurts, isn’t it?” I asked him after I violently bended the thingy to demonstrate adding to the penile injury and I squeezed the fake testicle. “Ooh no, no, my balls!” screamed poor Bob. Stupid me, it took me quite some time to realize the problem. Gosh! Once again, a testicular first aid had to be provided…

P.S.

I allowed anonymous comments again. But please behave (also you Canadian hotheads!).