To crack two eggs 🥚🥚

As I already wrote elsewhere Linda always managed to surprise us with some unexpected approximations and metaphors. She initiated one of her classes by showing us a strange metal device I have never seen before. She asked us “Do you know what this is?” Ana raised her hand “I think it is an egg cracker, my grandma has a similar one.”

Egg cracker

Linda nodded “That’s correct. I bought one when I was cooking cakes for my cousin’s wedding. At first, I thought it is just one of those useless gadgets to fill up kitchen drawers, but surprisingly, in the end, I use it a lot. Surely you can crack eggs just with your hand, it does not require a lot of skills, but this tool prevents spoiling the dough with pieces of eggshells and I do not have to cope with all the mess after some occasional failures. I am showing you this thing to explain to you today’s highly effective last resort self defense technique named after this kitchen tool.”

Linda started her explanation “So how do you normally crack an egg with your hand? You hold it firmly in the palm of your hand first and then smash it on some sharp edge, usually a bowl to generate a crack while you separate the two halves with your fingers, letting the content of the egg drop into a bowl or on a pan. In the egg cracker device, this is done by these separate mechanical parts.” By pressing the handle, she showed us what she means and continued. “The egg cracker technique is based on similar mechanics:  blunt support on one side and a sharp blow with a pointy hard object on the other side. A man’s testis is like a chicken egg by its shape and quite often also by size. Well, in some men the size is closer to a quail egg.” Linda smiled.

“Similarly, the testis has also an outer shell, a fibrous tough layer called tunica albuginea which can be ruptured, and the inner content, seminiferous tubules leak out as it was egg yolk and white causing the man unbearable pain.” We all cringed at the thought of such a horrific injury even if caused to a would-be rapist.

At that moment I briefly looked at Bob and Peter sitting on a bench, playing with their smartphones waiting to be called to ‘serve’ as our ‘darling attackers’. As always, I was relieved to find out that they did not hear these brutal explanations from Linda.

Linda continued her lesson “You often get into the stage of an attack when you need to incapacitate your attacker quickly and securely. A young female hand is rarely sufficiently strong to cause real testicular damage, yet to rupture the testes by squeezing. Here comes the egg cracker technique. The prerequisite is that both of your hands are free, and you have access to his genitals, but such a window of opportunity likely occurs during a sex attack for example during forced oral sex.”  

Linda moved from theory to practice. “OK girls, let me demonstrate the technique on these silicone testicles. Look closely. I am grabbing the testicles with my left hand, securing them in the palm but not enclosing them completely so that half of it remain exposed. This will be the area to strike. Now with my right hand, I make a fist with the index and middle fingers forming the letter V, knuckles pointing out.” She explained further that knuckles are made of hard bone and therefore provide a pointy and sturdy striking surface. Like a spear she mentioned.

“You can now charge your hand and hit the testicles hard, in a way so one knuckle hits one testicle and the other the second one. Do not hesitate to do it several times, with full force for the best effect.” She was then violently smashing the poor piece of silicone repeatedly producing a horrible thug sound with each hit. “And that’s it, your attacker is lying on the floor incapacitated or unconscious with completely battered gonads.” Linda looked at us with a grin on her face and added “There are a lot of variations of this technique possible, you can apply it on one testicle only or as a final move during GTP to maximize its effect. The beauty of the technique is that the grab does not need to be perfect, it just provides the back support so you can effectively perform it on all types of scrota tight or loose, big or small even if the man is still clothed. You will see the versatility once we practice with Bob and Peter. For now, try it out by yourself with these silicone ones.”

Egg cracker technique: (A) grab the testicles with one hand and
(B) smash them with the fist of the other hand knuckles first. Repeat if necessary.

She distributed all the testicle simulants from her equipment basket. We loved practicing with the rubbery substitutes as we could go crazy.  At some point we got tired of repeating the move, we started to fool around, waging the balls, and hitting each other. We all giggled when Emma fastened the faked balls on her shorts, so they were swinging between her legs and let Tania perform the egg cracker. Linda let us for some time but once she saw we are fooling around too much and not focusing on the training anymore she clapped her hands. “OK, enough, it is about time to show you the applicability and the nuances of this technique on real ball sets.” She then waved her hand and signaled the two boys they should join us. 

When they approached us, Ana grabbed Linda’s egg cracker, raised it up for display, so they see it, pressed the handle a few times letting out a squeaking sound, and exclaimed “Guys we are going to crack your eggs!”  We all immediately burst into laughter. They had no idea what the metal device was, but let’s be honest its appearance is creepy, so their faces expressed horror and confusion at the same time. Linda saw they became scared and calmed them down. “Don’t worry no man’s eggs are going to be cracked today, I promise”

Despite truthfully treating their genitals (relatively) gently, it was still unnerving to see Linda using the young men’s testicles (both clothed and naked) to demonstrate the versatility of this deadly technique. Gladly she always managed to stop her strong fist right before hitting the delicate target. Has she ever failed once…