The art of kneeing (part 6)

Female self defense is not only about getting the right knowledge and skills but also about keeping ourselves in good shape. Linda wasn’t some kind of rigorous, uptight academic; she liked to combine focused intensive training with fun, often in unexpected ways. We took her criticism seriously and somehow agreed that as city college girls, our physicality is compromised, and we need to exercise more. As Linda stressed, improved well-being and fitness come in handy right at the moment when we need to fight back.

Aerobics is an excellent cardio that can help boost
fitness but also train knee lifts   

Luckily, the stressful exam period was over, and I was ready to switch from brain to body workout. Linda recommended aerobics as excellent cardio to be done at least twice a day, starting slowly, a few minutes in the morning and the evening and gradually extending the duration, speed, and intensity. Aerobics consists of simple dance-like movements performed in quick repetition, improving strength, endurance, flexibility, and muscle mnemonics. All of this is beneficial not only for our well-being and health but also for training in the effective automatic execution of given self-defense techniques. A prime example is a knee lift, a basic aerobics move that closely simulates thrusting the knee up to the attacker's testicles with power, speed, and precision.

The knee lift can be done by placing the hand in front of you and bringing the bent leg upward repeatedly, hitting the palm of your hand with the kneecap. With your hand as an imaginary testicle target, you can easily adjust the position and height. Other relevant moves can be, for instance, back kicks, elbows, hammer-fist strikes, or forward punches.

As Linda suggested, I made my personal workout plan for the coming weeks and did the exercises twice a day. Initially, I was short of breath fast, but I noticed advances every day.  The sessions might get boring over time, but I came up with some great ideas for enhancements.  First, do it with some nice, rhythmic music, and there is nothing better than oldies classics such as iconic Olivia Newton-John's Physical and Michael Sembello's Maniac! To get fully into the eighties vibes,  I even bought purple leggings, a neon leotard, ankle warmers, and a headband!  There still has to be a training program on VHS from my grandmom somewhere in the closet, but even if I found it, I could not get a hold of a VHS player anyway, so I resorted to watching some YouTube videos to add some dynamic choreography and complexity to the moves.

Pink socks can nicely simulate the scrotum,
squash balls testes

Keeping in mind what I am actually training for, I devised a nifty training gadget to spice things up. I went to a local sports shop and bought two squash balls and a badminton shuttlecock. The squash balls were of an appropriate size and almost perfect weight, 24 grams each, close to an average man's testicle. The shuttlecock was a bit small and light to my liking, but I could not find anything better. I used the rubber band to bundle up the shuttlecock feather end to get the right penis-elongated shape. I grabbed a pair of pink socks and I placed the squash balls in one and the shuttlecock in the other. With a few more rubber bands, I assembled it all to get an almost-true-to-reality male genital replica, and admittedly,  I was proud of my little homemade creation! 😊 I pushed aside the coffee table and sofa in the living room to make room and by using a long thin rope, I hung it from the chandelier to the right height, a bit above my waist. And now I was just about to unleash my intensive tool-enhanced workout. I started repeatedly kneeing the fake scrotum with a little floppy willy so it jiggled frantically in all directions like an untameable plush monkey on a rubber band I used to have ages ago. I visualized the odd pink object as the genitals of a bad guy, which I intended to obliterate and send to outer space with each knee strike. I incorporated various strong shoutouts with each strike: Crush! or Pop! I always recall Linda's motto: “Precision and power have to work together, and do not hold back!” Also, I did not forget correct breathing is extremely important; I inhaled before striking deeply and exhaled rapidly with each shoutout.

The constant bouncing made it an unpredicted target, so obviously, I missed occasionally, but when I readjusted my aim and succeeded in landing a perfect hit, I exclaimed Gotcha! Maybe sounds silly but this arrangement was very helpful in my training endeavors and always made me long for the next session despite all the tiredness and sweat. Before closing the session, I gave my squishy toy a good squeeze “Now, we are both finished!” I told myself, exhausted, gasping for air, but at the same time ecstatic.   

I made sure I had demounted the prop well before Tom came home and hid it in the drawer under the towels. He was obviously very supportive of seeing me exercise, but I kept the double purpose of the aerobics workout a secret.  My boyfriend isn’t a wimp but a bit of a sensitive soul,  I wanted him to be spared from some awkward explanations on the purpose of the peculiar genital-like object being busted with my knees. I just want to keep it that way.

 We were happy to have our darling attackers back
with a real living set of testicles.  

There was a university midterm break, and two of Linda’s classes were called off, but I could not wait any longer to see my classmates again and to know whether other girls had as much fun and a great time as I did with the new fitness activities. Especially I was eager to share my tips and tricks on my ingenious training equipment. We all cheered as we found out that actually more girls had a similar idea about making a genital prop. Bob and Peter were listening to our chatter with disbelief and awe. To make a vow that their function as darling attackers and their testicles are not replaceable by any means, Laura wrapped her hands around Peter's lean body ruffled his hair with affection, and ensured him of his importance by whispering to his ears “Luckily, we have you and don’t need any fake genitalia for the training anymore, hope you are ready for today's assistance?”

We all giggled but stopped the moment  Linda entered the dojo.  She greeted us with a smile as she definitely heard what we were talking about, but was not bothered at all and immediately commented “Seems you used your free time wisely, looking forward to seeing your improved physique. We are going to have a very demanding class today!”

I noticed she was holding a basket with some garments, which she placed in the center of the dojo put her hands on her waist, and announced the coming program  “In this session, we enter the next stage of mastering full-power kneeing in realistic scenarios.”

“Yes! Finally!” Ana suddenly exclaimed in excitement and clapped her hands. She was not alone we all shared her zealousness.

Linda never turned down our enthusiasm but she stressed the importance of doing things right “I know you are looking forward but this is a highly risky activity so before we start let's gear up our boys first.” She took out an oval object from the basket. “This is a hard metal protective cup with a strap, it has an ergonomic shape and cushion. Our dean was so generous and spared no expense for the boy's safety, so I could buy the best product on the market. Let me tell you, the cheap plastic cups do not work, I have seen injuries from shattered craps before… it was a mess and not a nice sight.  The extremely important thing is to get the correct size so both the penis and testicles can fit in snugly and the assistant does not feel any discomfort. Too loose oversized cups are also not good as the genitals can get violently shaken inside and such a cup is more easily dislodged. That’s why I rather make the purchase, young men tend to largely overestimate the size of their package.”  

For full force, real scenario training high-quality
metal cups are required equipment. 

She showed us the product and rotated it so we all see its features “I  bought an M-sized for Peter and an L-sized one for Bob. OK, Let's see if I got the sizes right.” Linda's uncompromised genital volume assessment made Peter blush and look a bit embarrassed; Bob on the other hand smirked and showed signs of satisfaction. However, Laura a bit mischievously added to the touchy subject “Pity no XXL size cup for any of them!”

To save the day, Susanne put the genital size issue into more medical terms “That’s OK; we all know they both have genitals of normal size to their male post-pubertal stage, and anyway, somebody is always a shower, and somebody a grower.”  

“Oh, you want to tell us they teach this in your medical courses?” Rebeca could not resist to add to the discussion.

Linda disliked this deviation from the seriousness of the topic of male anatomical protection to such frivolous banter, she made a face and continued getting the boys ready. Peter was lucky to be the first receiver.  

“The most appropriate way to wear this thing is on bare skin,” Linda said and looked into Peter’s eyes demandingly. He understood the signal correctly and quite unenthusiastically removed his gym shorts and briefs exposing his male pride. With an almost motherly care, she helped him to get in the protective garment. She gently placed the cup over his genitals with satisfaction and fixed its position gently. “My estimation was correct, ladies look, how the sensitive organs got nicely accommodated in the pocket and are now shielded by a metal shell.”

She also handed him compression shorts so the cup would be secured firmly in place with no room to wiggle. To evidence that thing is working she knocked on it hard with no visible reaction from Peter, which clearly wouldn’t happen without a cup. He now looked like a superhero owning an oversized bulge 😊

We all watched our darling attackers getting ready with great interest and zest to test the testicle protective function of Linda’s costly purchase.  Suddenly Emma surprised us with a question out of the blue. “What if they got an erection in the cup? Wouldn't it cause discomfort or hurt them?” Even Linda smirked and I noticed she was not that confident in her answer “Possibly, but you are not supposed to arouse them.”

Emma added. “Well, we will see if our knees possess such a stimulating power!” We all laughed and our excitement went through the roof…

Chopping two gnarls 👋

Two woody gnarls are like two testicles.
These are more difficult to chop, though 

I envy Linda her nice romantic house in the countryside with a large orchard. However, she always told us that besides all the joy, it also comes with hard work. It is not just about collecting the rich harvest, processing and preserving it, or using round and soft gifts of nature as a male organ substitute in her intensive self-defense classes. It takes a lot of time and effort to prune young trees, protect them from pests, remove dead branches, and then take care of the remaining logs, which she uses as firewood. Imagining her, a respected female academic and coach, as an agile lumberjack swinging vigorously with an axe, was mildly amusing. But I guarantee, it was not just her bragging; she is a strong, fit woman of many skills. 

She claimed: I own a high-quality axe with a sharp blade and can split even the thickest log in two with just one precise swing. Some of my trees are already old and often must be cut down completely. I noticed the woody knots or gnarls often resemble one or two balls on a trunk or branch, but unlike those of men, these are extremely hard to split. With the right technique and the properly maintained tools, it can be accomplished without much effort.   

You cannot carry your axe
with you all the time 

The numerous anecdotes, old sayings, and words of wisdom she told us occasionally were not only to bring some cheers but often carried strong metaphors that helped us to grasp the core essentials of her unique concept of female self-defense. Her talking about everyday gardening and care of fruit trees and cooking were no exception. She once told us that in different forms, an axe has been used as a weapon for centuries. Even Amazon warriors are often depicted with an axe. Of course, you cannot carry such an armory with you all the time, but your limbs can serve as a nifty substitute. She told us to imagine our arm as a handle, and our hand as the head of an axe. With such a natural axe you can perform a so-called karate chop or knife hand strike a deadly technique in many martial arts. 

To make a point she even once demonstrated the power of such a blow by breaking a wooden board like a real karate master. Linda left us thinking what if a ball-shaped soft object was put on it, an egg, or an avocado? No doubt such a chop will cause complete obliteration of such a fragile object approximating male gland. 

As always, she provided us with many important details, tips, and tricks and allowed us to put our newly gained knowledge to the test. Let's now look at the bolts and nuts of this technique. Chopping with a hand can be done to any soft target on a male body: temple, nose, Adam's apple, but obviously, the best target is his testicles. In this case, Linda even had a name for it: Testicle Karate Chop, or in short TK-chop.

With a powerful chop you
can break a board or a testicle

 Such a resolute TK-chop to his most sensitive bits with your hand can be quick and unexpected as the hand is already approximately at the height of the groin, so it can be done for instance when caught in a bear hug—rear or front—or for example if being choked or even when freeing another woman from an attacker. 

You can strike forward or backward or even upward depending on your and his position. TK-chop is generally more powerful than a slap, if done correctly it can easily cause some serious testicular injury. Its effectiveness lies in combining a relatively small striking area and quick but powerful momentum. The advantage of TK-chop, as opposed to the classical hammer fist strike, is that the open hand is a narrow yet weighty object and can penetrate through the gap between the legs much more easily, the thighs will guide you precisely towards the desired target so it is hard to miss.

  

The striking area in this case should be the lower or upper ridge of the open straightened hand—ideally, the bony part of the sides of the knuckles. When using the upper part of the hand you should tug your thumb to expose that hard part and bend the fingers a bit. You want to cut through like you want to split through the joint of two sturdy tree branches in one hard swing. You have to gain momentum by swinging your arm in a semi-circle all the way, impacting from below, the back and bottom of his bulge. The best is if the trajectory of your hand is a bit tilted to one side, this way there is a chance of trapping just one testicle. If you hit dead center, between the testicles, still pretty effective, but they get rather separated and pushed to the sides, loosing desired crushing potential. The initial strike will securely stun him allowing you to repeat the move once again or several times and even continue with the finishing move, which can be GPT for instance.

The effectiveness of this TK-chop we could see in real even before actually learning it. Linda actually used it several times on Bob and Peter when they veered from the assigned tasks and training curriculum, got distracted, and started flirting with us or fooling around. Having teenage girls and two horny boys can create an explosive mixture, and for Linda, it was an everlasting challenge to keep the discipline and focus among her squad.  Having fun has to have some limits, especially when you need to achieve some training goals. 

Lucky for Linda and pity for the boys, she always kept one nifty pedagogical tool in her pocket: an occasional TK-chop, with a power depending on the ‘message’ to be delivered as well as the severity of their ‘misconduct’.  Don’t worry she made it obviously mild but still making a point. I remember she once chopped quite hard between Peter's legs from behind so her ‘axe head’ lifted not only the bulky bulge but the whole misbehaver as well.  After recovery he acted like an angel for the rest of the class. Poor boy, lesson learned. Not following Linda's instructions definitely does not pay off…

Jawbreakers 👄🍭 part 1

Popping a grape with teeth

There is possibly no topic more controversial than biting as a last resort of self defense technique, and several impatient commenters have been asking me to cover this issue for a long time. Maybe I delayed writing about it because it requires my earnest engagement. Not surprisingly, getting the concept of biting right was an essential part of Linda’s course curriculum. She always mentored us that it is important to keep our teeth set in good condition not only for health and beauty but also because one day can serve as a reliable secret weapon for some of the most effective (and surely brutal) self defense counteractions when in close quarters. Linda once said: “Don’t be discouraged that many consider biting some kind of pathetic girly fighting. You got to do what you got to do, which includes inflicting some serious injury by all means possible.” Linda always stressed she does not teach martial arts or sports but no-rules survival tactics and biting is undoubtedly one of such effective strategies highly applicable for certain situations.

Biting as an intimate activity can be also a good training 

Firstly, you have to understand what Linda meant by ‘biting’. It is not some kind of playful nibbling at erogenous zones that you do with your boyfriend as part of cute aggression during foreplay (no secret here, have a lot of experience with Tom) but once you decide to go this way, it has to be violent: sinking the teeth deeply in, munching, gnawing,  popping, or tearing to remove chunks of weak parts of male body parts: ears, lips, nose, tongue and not surprisingly also glans penis and testicles. Linda called these techniques jawbreakers—large American-style layered hard candies in the shape of large balls, you lick or put into your mouth and suck on it. Attempting to crush it, without softening puts your jaws and teeth at risk of damage, but when defending, this should be your least concern. As always, she also gave appropriate names for separate wounding techniques, usually referring to kitchen gadgets. I guess you can imagine what the cucumber slicer or cherry pitter means. Sorry for making you cringe, but it always helped with visualization and understanding the principle.

One of the downsides is it can be repulsive and when executed as required, it results in drawing the attacker’s blood and a serious risk of infection. Hence biting should be resorted for situations when no other options are available, for instance, your limb movement is restricted, your hands are tied, or when needed to be employed for additional strikes. Logically using teeth is possibly the most applicable during forced oral sex when those delicate male appendages are almost offered to you to take a good bite and send him into shock.  

American candy called jawbreaker gave the name to techniques
involving the mouth. They even come in egg shape 

Most of you are often extremely triggered by the fact that we were lucky to be granted the extraordinary opportunity to test our skills on our ‘toothsome’ darling attackers Bob and Peter.  Their involvement in our training and practice, was not a walk in the park for them, sure, and as for other techniques they had to offer even their most precious, bare reproductive organs for our ‘exploration and exploitation’. There is no learning without doing, no exceptions, sorry boys!😉  Of course, we did not bite Bob and Peter’s penis heads off or make chewing gums from their testes. Linda responsibly oversaw us and enforced a safe concept of exercises, but also carefully accommodated our different needs: some of us were shyer than others, some took (maybe too seriously) the issue of safety and sanitation, and some were concerned about ethics and Bob and Peter's well-being. But her arrangements and adjustment to the curriculum never came at the expense of our proper training. Understandably no excessively hard, skin-breaking pressure was allowed (this was reserved for genital substitutes only), but still, those two poor heroes left the dojo with some visible bitemarks on their willies and beans having something to explain to their girlfriends😊.

It sounds unfair and overboard but it brought a lot of fun, and creativity as well as blushes on faces, especially of those coursemates not accustomed to bringing out their fangs in bed.  Who would think there is a whole science behind the method of sucking a whole scrotum in the mouth,  firmly securing an ill-fated testis in the right place between molars before crushing it into oblivion like a grape, or how to completely severe the male head, I mean the one down there? It was as it sounds: dramatic, drastic, and deadly, and those who pity Bob and Peter I can't blame you. Just listening to Linda's detailed instructions, safety warnings and expected results made them a bundle of nerves.  Having a willing male partner and peppering your sex life with soft biting is of advantage, but in this post, I would like to touch upon the possible equipment, helpful for everyday routine and fostering your skills. Most of them you can buy in a local grocery store or even bake for yourself.  

Veggies and fruits: These are not only a healthy and tasty part of the diet but also affordable and easily accessible. Luckily we got tons of free supplies from Linda's garden. Their downside is that many do not represent either the right consistency, texture, or shape and size. Cucumbers and carrots are some of those obvious ones and can represent an erect penis, but biting through them is simply too easy. Testicular substitutes can be small fruits but be careful not to use those having a stone. Good examples are smaller unripe kiwis or cherry tomatoes. Just an advice, always wash the fruit/vegetable beforehand to remove the harmful pesticides and dirt.

Licorice penis batons 

Candies: Do you know those Chupa Chups lollipops with a spherical hard shell with a juicy chewy surprise insight? I was crazy about them when I was younger, I always could not resist, after softening it a bit by sucking and licking, then gnawing at it hard to crush it to get to the sour fruity but refreshing chewing gum. These threats are obviously quite unhealthy, they put in a lot of additives and colorants and tons of sugar, but as an occasional joy, I think it is acceptable. Good news, from now on, you can always justify buying them with the additional benefit of testicle-crushing training. 😊 On the other hand, I am not a big fan of licorice, but some licorice sweets often come in the shape of batons and even penises and have favorable firmness and chewy consistency. Unfortunately, their size is often too small for proper penis analogs. However, I found numerous recipes online, so you can actually bake them at home in the right size and shape. Sounds like a fun weekend activity, doesn’t it?

Realistic vibrators can be also
a multipurpose equipment  

Meat: Meat and meat products are possibly the closest substitutes for human anatomical parts when it comes to consistency. Taking large bites like a hungry lioness from a rare steak or ‘decapitating’ a hard paprika sausage to practice flesh-tearing and chopping skills can be another excuse not to always eat according to modern healthy nutrition recommendations.  

Sex toys: These can be quite expensive and nobody wants them destroyed in no time, even for the sake of self defense training, trust me.😊  However, their advantage over above mentioned substitutes is they come in a quite realistic shape, size, and texture. These true-to-nature substitutes can be used for acting out scenarios and a play-along approach with a dramatic ending. Some types of vibrators have a nice realistic set of silicone balls which can be highly applicable for practicing quick and secure sucking in testicles even those not so low hanging.

These are my tips but if you know any other good male genital substitutes let me know in the comments. To be continued…..

 

Balls of steel, balls of fear 🫣

Knowing physical self defense techniques is essential, but sometimes fighting is not even necessary to successfully thwart an unwanted advance or even a serious sex attack. Looking back I greatly appreciate that Linda took a very holistic approach to our training and comprehensively covered some crucial psychological aspects as well. As already mentioned the greatest irony of Nature is that the core of a man's masculinity is also the source of his greatest bodily and psychological vulnerability. Male external gonads produce the male hormone testosterone which drives aggression, and sperm which is critical for the continuation of the genetic lineage.

Grow some balls! It takes balls to do it!

Balls of steel? Not really. Rather balls of fear.

We all heard these sayings, didn’t we? Even in my language, we have similar expressions. Despite being just two little squishy pain generators in a fragile pouch of skin hanging between the legs, testicles across cultures symbolize manliness, courage, and boldness. Paradoxically, at the same time, their proud possession generates man's greatest anxiety. It is overwhelming angst of the possibility of failing in their protection which results in incredible pain, embarrassing situations, or worse, completely losing them and ending up permanently emasculated. They are called balls but just because of their spheric shape, not because they are sturdy as steel ball bearings😊; they are also called family jewels, precious two pendants to be protected at all costs, eggs, and nuts to signify their fragility and crackability.

Linda used to say: “Once you control his testicles, you control him completely, his body as his mind.” But it is not as easy as sounds. Boys learn from an early age that even slight accidental hits there hurt like hell, so they immediately try to protect them even if the threat is relatively negligible. So as already covered in one of my previous posts, distraction and deception are the keys to fully taking advantage of the vulnerability of testicles.

I remember, in high school boys tried to hit on us girls and to touch our tits and buttocks, and of course we protected our dignity and retaliated with quick knees into their boy bags. We hadn’t been provided with any training at that time, it was very instinctual and we just somehow picked it up. Even if we did not manage to properly connect with the right spot, the boys immediately crossed their legs, buckled, and rather backed off. Of course in instances when the knee connected well, the reaction was even more telling and the lesson was learned. Despite being horny, and apparently in the urge to explore and probe our female parts, they soon realized the vital danger and that it was not worth putting their sensitive organs in jeopardy. Although it was hilarious to observe the pitiful loss of machismo, I did not think much about it at that time.

Regardless of the level of muscularity,
men protect their testicles anxiously.  

Later when I attended Linda’s course I realized that having Bob and Peter on site was not only beneficial to effectively train the techniques on living “darling attackers” and real male organs but also to watch their natural reactions. It was telling when Linda just playfully flicked at their testicles with her hand, they timidly budged for safety. These were relatively lighthearted situations but when Linda started to explain some of her brutal techniques, they suspected their genitals were going to be used for some detailed realistic demonstrations. Even though they knew she was not going to do any harm or damage to their delicate organs they could not hide their anxiety behind the façade of invincible brave young men. 

It was all part of Linda's plan. It was not abstract or made up, it was genuine, and we could see it with our eyes, hear it with our ears, and learn from it. As young ladies appeared in the dangerous world, we soon became equipped with extraordinary knowledge and skills of how to put men to their knees and came to the realization men should fear us not the other way around.

 Our empowerment was born!

One of the unresolved issues of female self defense, even Linda was not definite about is whether we should let a potential attacker know what are we capable of to deter him from even trying something on. Or the other way around, should we rather keep our little brutal tricks in secret so we can unleash them unexpectedly when he is the most vulnerable and even exposed? Both approaches are valid, it all depends on the situation and encounter and type of attacker. In the first case, if you decide to go that way, it calls for some vivid descriptions of what can happen to his testicles when he disrespects your no.  Another tip is, when already fighting, loud shouts with each execution of a technique can be quite frightening, but not exactly the classical kiah! like in karate, but rather pop! crush! or rip!

I would like to finish this interesting topic with a related inspirational story. An anonymous blog reader sent me a very interesting story from his sister which greatly demonstrates the power of inducing male panic in preventing sex attacks and harassment.

Just holding a knife can induce fear and
 quickly solve a sticky situation. 

My sister had just finished a night of partying out on the town in a big city. She keeps a hunting knife with a 6-7 inch blade under the driver's seat. An unknown guy pulled down his pants exposing himself to my sister and her girlfriend close to the passenger side window.

Her friend in the passenger seat was freaking out. My sister told her friend to roll down the window. The girlfriend initially said no but my sister said don't worry we're okay and showed her friend the knife. "Just play along with me and we'll teach him a lesson," she said. My sister pulled the knife out of the sheath and handed it to her friend as she rolled down the window. She acted like she was sharpening the knife blade on a barber's leather razor strap (her palm). They both started talking to the pervert. Come here little man we'd like to see it closer while still acting like she was sharpening the knife on her wrist.

The guy saw the large knife and started walking away. My sister followed him with her 4-wheel drive jeep driving up onto the sidewalk while they were still asking him to come closer to the passenger side window. Saying "Come here little man we want to see it closer. Don't be afraid". They said over and over again. The man turned into a dark alley and my sister stopped following him and drove home.

Quick thinking on the girls' side enabled them to solve the situation without any physical contact. The guy will think twice to try it on again, next time the knife could be rather hidden… 

To have plum fun 🟣🟣

The summer slowly comes to an end. The coming weeks are the peak season for autumn fruits; getting ripe and sweetened under the sun and their overabundance beyond our immediate consumption ability urges us to preserve them by canning, freezing, drying, or preparing a delicious thick jam, to be enjoyed during long cold winter.

Last week on Saturday, Tom went to see a football match with his pals and I decided to have a short nap after light lunch. Before I could close my eyes, suddenly the doorbell rang. Hmm, I was not expecting any visitors…. I rushed to open the door.

Plums are a precious gift of nature

“Surprise, surprise, Wendy! We brought you something yummy!” It was my beloved bubbly aunt Katrin with my cousin Brenda. In front of them 3 big crates full of nice purple plums. Together with my uncle Albert, they own an orchard in a very fertile and sunny countryside, including a couple of plum trees. Almost every year they enjoy a great harvest and in the past even distilled a strong aromatic plum spirit. Not anymore, they do not have time and energy anymore and rather avoid alcohol due to some health issues.

“We just thought you and Tom need some vitamins—pure organic goodies, not like those imported and sold in a store chain. You never know what they spray them with… Albert was so nice, he picked for you just the best ones from the uppermost branches, he almost fell from the ladder!”

I shook my head “As always Katrin…enough to feed an elephant!” I hugged and kissed them both and thanked them for this healthy and tasty nature-sourced gift.  While genuinely happy, I also outlooked a hard work shift to process it all, no siesta napping after all. Fortunately, Brenda immediately dispelled my worries.

“Don’t worry, Wendy, I can help you with all that.” She turned to her mother “I can come back later by bus, what do you think?”

Katrin nodded in agreement “Little sweethearts have some fun then. You haven't spent much time together lately, have you?”  She then waved us goodbye and while walking to the car she turned back and added. “Later you will also get some apples, those Jonagold, remember you like them a lot…..”

Brenda helped me to bring the heavy-loaded crates in. The fragrance of fresh fruits immediately filled our apartment. We both knew the drill and immediately rolled up our sleeves. We had to do sorting first; to separate those showing signs of damage, being too soft, or too hard will be left to finish the ripening process. Most will be pitted; depending on the quality, some will go into mason jars, and others will be cooked into jam. Taking each plum into the hand, felling it, opening it to remove the pit…  there was something strangely satisfying about those plums. Such beautiful objects!

Plums are an excellent substitute for testicles

Sounds weird, but it brought back some fond memories of the self defense course. Linda always considered plums to be one of the best substitutes for testicles, she often brought in her own and used them intensively for our training. The right size, oval shape, firmness, how they react to squashing between the fingers, and how the fruit stone inside symbolizes the seed of the next generation… funny, those most resembling are grown together as inseparable twins, often one bigger than the other … a pity there is no hair on them…otherwise the word perfect could be used!

That pile of fruity treasure kept us busy, but also it was the best time to finally have a chat with my darling cousin. It might have felt to her like an interrogation but I wanted to get all the news and gossip: about her summer job as a waitress, her new butterfly-shaped tattoo (I actually do not endorse), and of course spicy updates on dating boys. I always considered Brenda to be quite the opposite of me. She is a restless untamed young lady who thinks her world is her oyster. Being her age, I have never changed boyfriends like socks and parties mainly meant weddings and proms. However, I was pleased to learn she is heading to university this September to major in economics. Not a bad choice.

Listening to her I realized, that her lifestyle is full of dangers she may not realize. I am not her mum but I was compelled to step in. Some topics are not as cheerful as others and can be awkward, but necessary to be brought up, especially when talking to young ladies confident their careless behavior does not come with any risks. I too hated to be mentored and preached at her age but now I am slowly realizing from time to time, that I should have taken some good advice from those more life-experienced.

It was nice to have some fun with my cousin Brenda 

“Brenda, you should definitely take care of your safety. Have you for instance considered attending a self defense course? The university offers an excellent one for free. I can only recommend, don’t worry no old ladies type of stuff,  I had a lot of fun and you can learn many things and make some new friends.”  

Brenda was clearly surprised by the unexpected topic I brought up.

“Hmm nope…, why? These courses are just scams and a waste of time. I don’t think I can stand a chance against a man, regardless of what the progressive feminists say.  No secret tricks can help... sorry… you know it's like with bears: run away fast or…pray!“

I could not believe my ears. A young capable and otherwise confident lady talks so self-deprecatingly!

“Brenda, you are wrong, the myth that a woman cannot fight a man is utter bullshit. He might be tall, he might be strong, he might be fit and muscular, he might be doped. But always remember. The chain is as strong as the weakest link. For a man, his testicles and eyes are among the weakest links. Destroy those and you destroy him.” I preached.

She cringed. I know it sounded awkward but I knew it was important so I did not stop. “Let me show you something,” I picked a nice healthy firm plum, “Look at this plum, a testicle is quite similar to it in shape and consistency. Imagine this is a testicle of a pushy man disrespected your no and he already exposed himself to letting you fondle his genitals. Now you can conveniently put it in the palm of your right hand, close your fingers to create a secure grip, and by digging your thumb deep into the center of the fruit, you crush it completely in no time.”

I prefer plum twins for demonstration of self defense techniques. 

I did exactly what I was saying until the fleshy inside oozed out between my fingers leaving only the woody pit and mush smear in my palm. “You just tore the testis's fibrous cover tunica albuginea and the squashy seminiferous tubules got pushed out and are being reduced to a dysfunctional pulp. Luckily the gross mess would be contained in the scrotum,”  I explained the result explicitly in medical terms and then dropped the remaining mush into the pot intended for the jam.  “Basically, you emptied his balls but, differently than he wished for,” I finished with a pun, in maybe too sarcastic tone. 

I continued “Remember, if you could squash this plum, you could do the same to a bad guy testis. Do you think the testicle owner will be ready to bring it on after that? No, most likely he will be on the floor unconscious. As one of the best alternatives. And this is just one of many techniques, you would learn in the course... and you will be allowed to test them in real on some cute fit boys!” I said in a mysterious tone and winked at her.

Brenda looked at me with a mix of disbelief and amusement and seemingly tried to shy away from the cringe-worthy topic. “Hmm nice, but let's rather check our delicious product, should be almost ready, I wager.” She looked into the pot with a slowly simmering, first batch of jam. The jam was not yet thick enough so she let it cook longer.

But I knew I sparked her interest. At first, trying to pretend she was not that interested in my talk and demonstration, she suddenly took a sizable plum and started to inspect it. She handled all kinds of fruits before but probably has never thought about the brutal stuff I just talked about. Then out of the blue, she replicated my act. Despite having smaller hands than me, she was very successful and some pieces of mushed fruit flesh even ended up on the countertop backsplash. I could see a grin on her face “Well, maybe I should have used that on that pig manager who was pestering me in the restaurant.”

She surprised me with her question. “So what else did you learn?”

I was pleased by her interest so I found a nice plum twin from the bowl. “You see, an almost perfectly representative medical-grade testicle model.  Let's just add a scrotum.” I wrapped the twins in the kitchen cloth and fasted it on the door handle – the right height of an average man's groin.

Testicles, just as plums can be
easily crushed in no time

I started a detailed demonstration “You should know that your hand is not that large to contain both male organs, so you have to quickly separate them and isolate one gonad using your thumb and forefinger, put it in the tight lock so it cannot escape, squeeze it forcibly, then twist it all it takes like a rug, and finally jerk hard away from his body to mess with the delicate internal plumbing beyond repair. Alternatively, fix it in place with one hand and hit it with the knuckles of your other hand in a closed fist.  Imagine you want to pulp the ‘fruit’ completely. My following detailed demonstration was even more startling. The poor sadly hanging object became completely distorted and unrecognizable as a model ball sack and light pink juice was dripping from it, which required a quick wiping the floor beneath with a rug.

Brenda exclaimed in awe. “Wendy, you are such a badass! Did you learn this all in that course?”

“I told you it was useful, no bullshit,” I said proudly.

“May I also try?” Brenda asked impatiently.

“Sure, just let me find you a new pair … this one is good for you!” I picked another nice twin in the pile.  

“Exactly like my boyfriend's! Just less wrinkly!” she exclaimed and I could see in her eyes she became very excited to reveal her new superwoman power. With quite some ferociousness and focus, she performed the newly learned move and destroyed the two poor fruits like a pro. I felt pity this was not an official Olympic discipline 😊 at the same time lucky Katrin was not aware of the waste of her precious plums.

Just before I was about to show her how to employ other body parts: knees, heels, insteps, and teeth as deadly testicle destruction weapons I could hear the key turning in the lock and someone entering… Tom was back! Before we could clean the mess and hide our peculiar activity, he entered the kitchen.

“Hi Brenda, how are you, I haven’t seen you for a long time!  Yeah, great! This year’s plum delivery from Katrin and Albert, hope we are having some plum cake today?!” he asked.

 “Look at the little bummer, maybe you should help us first!” I expressed my anger with his audacity and laziness.

Ignoring my comment, he grabbed a plum for a snack and was about to leave us when he noticed the mess around the door handle. “Jeez, what were you two doing here?”

Tom was puzzled by the mess in the kitchen 

Luckily Brenda saved the day. “We were just using plums for testic… testing a new recipe for a purée, it requires pressing it through a cloth, it did not work out that well, though.”  We both giggled. Luckily he got fooled and did not investigate further. Nevertheless, his presence in the house stopped us from this inventive and engaging educational activity. At least, we did not waste any more precious plums and focused again on fruit preservation.

 After all that hard work and cleaning the traces of our testicle-crushing exercise, Brenda and I just dropped on the couch exhausted. We spent the rest of the time chilling and listening to some pop music. When the time came for her to leave for the bus, she took a plum from the nicely arranged bowl on the coffee table, split it with her fingers in half, and ate it with pleasure. “I think you convinced me, Wendy, I will take that course, it seems I will be having some fun…”

 

To make egg sandwiches 🥪

Men spread their legs when sitting.
This puts them in a vulnerable position. 

 In one of the previous posts, I already talked about the phenomenon of how men tend to sit in a relaxed position with their legs spread at a wide angle. The reason for this is anatomical as well as sociological and psychological. Today I want to look at this issue from the important self defense perspective. As I mentioned several times, Linda went far in the idea that we learn to react effectively in all possible circumstances with all available tools. One such, often-neglected scenario is when the attacker is sitting or in a reclined position. This can for instance happen during a date rape attempt, office harassment, in the car when encountering the wrong guy during hitchhiking, or when enjoying the sun in the park on a bench and some pest starts bothering you. Luckily, Linda provided valuable tips and tricks for these situations and highlighted the most applicable techniques. Of course, our two darling attackers Bob and Peter did not dodge their duty and were heavily involved in the related educational and training process. We learned that it does not take much to turn the tables and to use male anatomy and macho behavior to our advantage, the lesson, our two guys learned is to never blatantly spread legs or… 😊

Linda explained to us: “You probably noticed when a man rests on a seat, he often assumes a typical male pose, legs spread to give his testicles some ease and air to breathe but at the same time it puts him into a vulnerable position as it also creates a convenient opening for certain types of strikes. However, some staple techniques such as kicking and kneeing are not generally applicable, grabbing is, but getting a good lock on a partially seat-shielded scrotum can be tricky, as opposed to a freely hanging sack. Punching with the fist ultimately appears to be the best option but it must be done properly to get the best result. For instance, a hammer fist is not something I recommend, let me show you why.” She took a small apple from her bag, possibly the latest harvest from her orchard, and put it on the wooden bench. “Look, in a classical hammer fist strike, if I hit this apple like this, despite quite good momentum, my hand bounces up and the power dissipates because of the low hardiness of the striking surface, the bottom of the fist. It surely hurts…. but rather my hand.” She demonstratively smashed the apple like a mallet with quite some force, yet causing only mild distortion of the fruit.

Forming the N sign with your fist
creates a deadly striking weapon.  

“Now to do significant damage, you should fold your hand like the letter N in sign language”,  of course, we stared at her confused so she immediately explained “Like this”, she swung her arm up for us to see. “Put the thumb below the pointer and middle finger, which you bent so their knuckles protrude sharply outward in a V shape. See how the thumb firmly fixes the bent fingers. This is a great striking piece for any soft targets including testicles.” She turned her deadly weapon towards us and tapped the sharp double bump with the other hand’s fingers to make the point. Then she swung her arm up and impacted the same apple from above, using those two knuckles as a spear. A horrible crushing sound followed, the apple got almost completely split and the pieces of apple splashed all around. “Target destroyed!” commented Linda her success with obvious satisfaction, as she wiped off the apple remnants from her fingers.  

The sandwich maker gave the name to a
brutal technique of female last resort self defense 

“When striking testicles, ideally each knuckle is intended for one of his testicles. In many cases, this is not possible, especially because of the shielding by the penis, but you can do a number just on one testicle as well, especially if you manage to follow the right angle. What helped me crush this apple was the hard bottom support of the wooden bench. When a man sits, consider the relaxed freely hanging testicles resting on the seat surface. In this case, the best if the strike comes from above or at least at a 45° angle to sandwich the organs between the seat and your fist. That’s why I call this method a sandwich maker because it reminds me of how I prepare my favorite sandwiches with poached eggs. It is like clapping the hot top metal plate of the appliance and sandwiching the delicate juicy eggs between the two toast bread slices. They stay compressed and sealed between the toasts …an excellent quick lunch, or when traveling… highly recommend…. yummy.”  After this quick culinary tip, she went back to the main topic of the session. “So visualize you are making a sandwich with his ‘not-so-hard eggs’ as a filling between your fist and the seat.”  As always, as oddly as they sounded, these ‘fruity and eggy’ approximations actually helped. At that quick instance, we all imagined making a ‘testicle sandwich’, and such weird surreal thinking drew grins on our faces.

Visualize preparing a sandwich from poached eggs.  

Linda continued “This method works perfectly on low-hanging scrota, if he has already removed his pants and underwear, and you can visually locate the target. Even if not, you can perform the move anyway. In this case, however, the strike must come in a horizontal line, imagine your fist is like a piston and the arm is a drive rod, the hard backing is his pelvis bone.”  She made us make a few rounds with our arms like an old-type locomotive. “You often cannot see the target because you are positioned sideways or because of his clothing. It does not matter, you can effectively use the contour of his leg to guide your fist toward the opening between his penis and inner thigh, directly into the goolie, left or right, depending on your position. As the piston of an engine…hit continuously as many times as possible in quick succession.” added our self defense guru.

Linda suddenly turned her head towards the opposite corner of the dojo, where our two darling attackers were innocently relaxing on a bench. In the beginning likely just checking the latest results of sports competitions or playing games on their smartphones but Linda’s loud apple-crushing routine grabbed their attention and now they both looked quite concerned. Linda turned back to us. “You see, both are in their typical comfortable position with their legs open, excellent, it calls for some real demonstration!”  We followed Linda and surrounded the guys in a semicircle, in anticipation of another interesting presentation.

The sandwich-making technique.
Compress the testicles between the knuckles of the pointer
and the middle finger and the hard backing of the seat. 

Linda sat next to Bob and gently put her hand on his shoulder. This was maybe to ease the anxiety, which was obviously not ungrounded.  She looked into his eyes. “I must show the girls something and need you to ‘go like Adam’.” Knowingly he couldn't get away from her demands he followed the code and shyly pulled his gym shorts and briefs down and sat again but this time he somewhat instinctively closed the gap between his legs and got into a more decent pose. To Linda’s dissatisfaction. “Sit like before”, she requested resolutely and once he, still a bit reluctantly did, she started the detailed explanation. Some of the girls came closer so they better see between his legs, they knew it was the place where the show takes place.

“Ladies, look at his testicles resting on the seat surface protected by his flaccid penis laying on them.” She used her finger to point at the area of interest where the two hairy orbs met the wood of the bench. “If my fist comes from above, I can easily forcefully compress them, and they have no room to escape.” She formed an N sign fist, pushed the soft penis to the side, and gently pressed the full sack, each knuckle one testicle till they bulged under the pressure, like two balloons before bursting. Luckily she did the demonstrative move only for short and without passing the danger threshold, just for us to see the mechanism and the effect.  Still, we sighted it as it looked malicious and painful. The brave young man yelped loudly and was now breathing heavily. However, it was not the end.  Linda continued “Now in a horizontal type of strike, I use his inner thigh surface as a guidance and his pelvic bone as the hard backing.” Her arm shifted the angle and performed the sandwich-making technique in that direction. She did not need to push the penis aside, the convenient crevice was there, just his right testicle was unlucky this time. Once she released the push, I noticed the fear-shriveled scrotum turned a bit reddish as well as Bob’s face. “In real life, use the greatest momentum of your arm to gain the full force and speed for explosive punching. Then a testicular rupture is ensured.” She patted him on the head as a sign of appreciation for his help. The visible sign of relief on Bob’s face was telling.  He deserved a break so she turned to Peter waiting disquietly. Luckily for him, this time she did not ask for genital exposition, as she sought we see the action in such a situation.

Play along approach can be the best strategy
for executing the right techniques
including the sandwich maker.

“Let's play out a common scenario. Peter is going to be a young over-amorous guy who sat next to me on a park bench and starts to misbehave, being rude and touching my boobs, without permission. He looked at Peter, which meant ‘Action!’ He very shyly wrapped his right arm around Linda’s back, so his hand reached Linda’s right boob. This would normally mean came his lucky day, but he knew, that luck wouldn't last long. For an overconfident horny attacker, his face looked too nervous. Linda shook her head “What a shy bogus attacker, please give it more passion!” Peter gathered all his courage and grabbed the big boob like a real man, even smirking a bit to display his gained confidence and bravery. Linda smiled back. “That’s better!”

Linda communicated her plan “To get rid of him, I apply a play-along approach. I return his interest and use my hand to express a sign of sexual favor.” She gently rubbed the young man’s muscular thigh, so passionately I could see his thin black hair stand up. The slight movement in his shorts indicated something else was moving up as well.  “He cannot see or guess my intentions. When my hand is in the right position I use the moment of his excitement that it goes his way, I quickly rotate and arch my arm, make an N sign fist, accelerate it along the thigh… and bang! and bang! again!” She did that and immediately commented on the expected outcomes. “The sharp blows stunt him, he crosses his legs to protect his testicles against further blows and puts his hands over his crotch. However,  this exposes his upper body.  I use my other hand to grab his hair and jerk his head sharply backward.” Gosh, she was rough, poor boy might lost a few hairs. She continued  “I just keep my right fist in the N sign, go up with my arm, and smash his exposed Adam's apple… and another one just for good measure,  and finally I finish with a sharp strike to his temple before I safely leave the wrecked thug and the scene.”

The whole sequence was quick, and although she softened the strikes, barely touching the male sensitive spots, poor Peter experienced quite some discomfort, his muscular body stayed folded, legs crossed, weakly whining. Well, as one could expect, grabbing Linda’s boob won't be without consequences 😉.  She ruffled his pulled aching hair and whispered in his ear “Thanks for the assistance.” The whole thing looked so wild, dangerous, and brutal, that we again sighted in awe.  After a quick moment of silence Laura excitedly asked “May we also try?” Susanne stepped in “But not before we check if they both are OK”.  “And after we eat the juicy testicle sandwiches!” added humorously Ana.  We all burst into laughter…

The Legacy of Shirley Temple - inspirational story #7

We all must learn from the lessons of the past. Unfortunately, some important stories we could learn from are not told loud enough or even at all. With this post, I continue the popular series of inspirational stories to educate and empower.

Shirley Temple in 1941

Despite not considering myself a crazy movie fan, I have always been intrigued by the Hollywood golden era of cinema. In my mind, it was a unique time of excitement, glamour, and cultural boom. I recently read a very interesting biographical article about one of the female movie stars from that era, Shirley Temple. She started acting at a very early age and gained incredible fame. Despite having great success in the movie industry and even in diplomacy, she went through many difficulties in her life. One of the deeply troubling issues in her acting career, she recalled in her memoirs. Being an attractive young actress, she was constantly sexually attacked by powerful executives, producers, and co-workers. It seems the way how it works in the entertainment business: I get sex and you get the job, is apparently a pattern over a century-long and was fully exposed just recently by the MeToo movement. The paradox is, in comparison to the actresses from the modern era, she handled some uncomfortable situations extremely well. I want to share with you an account I took from a media network Ranker.com:

For the entirety of her brief film career, Temple was forced to fight off sexual predators, as she was regularly groped, threatened, and terrorized by men.

After she rebuked one Hollywood producer for his advances, he responded, “Look, I’m going to be a big executive. We’re going to have to get along... What I had in mind was just a workplace formality.”

“It may be in your contract, but not mine,” she replied.

“Sex is like a glass of water,” the man she simply refers to as “Wizard” continued. “You get thirsty, you drink. You want sex, you have it.”

Then there was the beloved comedian George Jessel, who once invited her to his office to “discuss a key role” in his upcoming film:

Lift my skirt without permission, get a knee,
that's how it worked in the golden era of Hollywood. 

We were standing a pace apart, eyeball to eyeball. In one swift movement he opened his trousers and, with a sudden reach, encircled me with one arm… I could feel his other hand groping to lift my shirt. Hard on the heels of the Wizard, this new assault seemed unreal, but little could I do but thrust my right knee upward into his groin... Pain, disgust, and hate flickered across his face, but I felt no mercy. More and more the adult movie business seemed populated with a bunch of copulating tomcats.

Shirley reacted swiftly, responsibly, and resolutely. I assume she had not attended any fancy self defense course and despite that, she was able to handle the situation extremely well. It reminded me of another inspirational story from an actress, I already published some years ago. 

As Shirley said, the asshole deserved no sympathy. Hopefully, he learned his lesson; he could feel lucky she did not use any other more brutal self defense techniques, given his genitals were exposed and in the end did not lose any of his two precious organs. Maybe I would go far with this comment, but I truly think if all young actresses were told how to handle pushy horny men, we could have avoided all those tiring Hollywood sex attack scandals and allegations. What an inspiring story from such a wonderful woman….

P.S.

Some of you wrote me very interesting stories via email and I want to publish them all in this renewed series, just that I must find time to provide the necessary commentary. I ask you for patience.